[ Every time she calls him 'da' his heart must want to burst, and he smiles softly, making his way to sit on the edge of her bed beside her. ]
Och, well, I'll always want to be sure yer alright, Brianna. I cannae help it. But...you'll tell me if it's overmuch? I ken I'm no' so good at this yet. Being a father.
[ For a moment there, she sounds exactly like Claire, and it makes him smile before reaching for her hand and squeezing gently. ]
If I could have raised ye myself, Brianna, I would have. There's nothing I truly wanted so much as to raise ye at Lallybroch, give ye brothers and sisters. But I kent it, the day I realized ye were in your mother's belly, it wouldna be possible.
[ Maybe the realization had come a bit later, like when he and Claire were plunging a dagger into Dougal's heart. But still. ]
I'm glad she went. She most likely would have been killed only for being my wife, and you along wi' her.
I know. I always wondered if when I met you, I would wonder how you could make such a choice. But now I have met you, and I understand. Sometimes you have to let go. Hope that people will come back to you.
[ Her hand is still in Jamie's and she squeezes lightly before taking a deep breath and letting it out softly. ]
I'm sorry, by the way. That I keep waking up the house at night. Every night I hope it'll be different, and it never is.
Oh, mo leannain, dinna worry about what yer mind does to ye while ye sleep. 'Tis no' possible to control, we all ken it.
[ And if anyone says anything to make her feel badly about herself (he knows Fergus, John, and Claire won't) they can speak to him directly about it. ]
[ With a squeeze of her hand, Jamie lets go so he can lean forward a bit, his arms resting on his knees. ]
Months. Almost the entire time yer mother was pregnant wi' Faith.
[ He regrets it, that he was so disconnected that he missed the first flutters of life in her belly because he was so wrapped in his own demons, trapped in his mind. He should have felt those moments of small movements inside of Claire; the only place life would ever exist for their first born. ]
[ Jamie's taken aback by her confusion and he looks at her, forehead creased as he looks at Brianna and tries to understand why Claire wouldn't tell their daughter of their first child. Looking down again, he presses on the hand that was once so mangled, pressing at the center of it as he gathers his thoughts. Then, finally he speaks. ]
She never drew a first breath, ye ken. Grew, nearly fully, but didna ever open her eyes when she was born.
[ Words spoken quietly. ]
And yer mother, she nearly...nearly joined her.
[ If Jamie, sitting in the Bastille, had lost both his wife and child, they could have kept him there and never set him free. It wouldn't have mattered. ]
We dinna speak of her much. It's too painful, the hurt was too big. If there's one thing that ever broke yer mother, both of us, it was losing our child. Please, Brianna, you must understand. It was no' a lie she tried to keep from ye, but her own pain.
[ He knows his wife. Knows to speak of it would mean to relive everything that happened in Paris. Their marriage had nearly come apart at the seams. He hangs his head, for the quiet confession. ]
It was while we were living in Paris, ye ken. I wasna there. I wasna there because I tried to kill Jack Randall in a duel after I vowed to your mother I wouldna do it. She lost the baby and verra nearly her own life that day, and I was in prison. No' there for her. I blamed myself. She blamed me. We blamed each other, until we were able to heal together, back in Scotland.
[ Jamie looks at Brianna again, eyes a bit red, though no tears have fallen. ]
Please, lass. Dinna be angry with yer mam for no' telling ye.
[ Bree is honestly stunned, listening as her heart sinks further into her stomach. She isn't sure what to focus on first: the fact that her infant sister was stillborn, that her mother nearly died, or that Jamie was in a French prison.
A lot of things make sense now; the way her mother always fussed over her.
The way her father told her the first words he heard her speak after delivery were in question over whether or not Bree was alive. How he said she used to count fingers and toes, and make sure every part of her was still perfect after every bath. She has a very, very vague memory of her mother sitting by her bedside when she was sick with something, never leaving even though it was probably only a cold.
Was that why? Was she always afraid she might lose another daughter? ]
I'm not upset for her.
[ Bree's surprised to find tears clouding her vision and blinks slightly, pushing them back. ]
I'm sorry you both had to go through that. I understand. Why she never said anything.
[ Wetting her lips, she wonders if she should let this go, not keep asking questions of Jamie after all of that, but she can't help it. ]
[ Bree leans into him, letting out a breath and resting her head on his shoulder. ]
No. I like it. I like that I can call you da. And I'm glad that you're awake. It isn't just me who needs you, you know. Mama and Fergus need you, too. Fergus takes care of both of us, but Mama's different. Her...
[ Bree pauses to try and explain it better. ]
She does well without you, but with you, it's more obvious. She's a whole person now that you're awake.
[ It makes his heart warm to hear, and Jamie drops a kiss to the top of her head. ]
The time we were apart, it was as if the other half of my heart was missing, so I think I ken what ye mean. We're whole together, never comfortable apart.
[ Jamie kisses her head again, then revises his statement a bit. ]
We were happy, but our house wasna as full without ye there. She missed ye. Verra much, Brianna. Now we're here together so it doesna matter much, but her heart ached for ye, every day.
[ Now, Bree wraps her arms around him fully, resting her head on his shoulder and closing her eyes. His hugs definitely don't disappoint, and she's so glad that this is easy between them. The sense of guilt and betrayal she had briefly is gone now.
Her father will always be her father. Jamie will always be her da. And it's alright because Jamie's alright. ]
Thank you. For being here now. For taking care of me.
[ Jamie doesn't disappoint with his hug, wrapping her up so fully in his arm and kissing her temple. One hand rests between her shoulder blades, the other on the back of her head as his thumb rubs her scalp, soothing. ]
Ye dinna have to thank me for loving you, a leannan. I always will. I always have. Now. Are ye ready to hear stories of your family? Perhaps it will soothe ye into a peaceful night of sleep.
[ He hopes, he hopes he's soothing to her, but he would understand if she would rather not. ]
[ How much he loves her is obvious in the way he holds her now, but she pulls back with a soft smile. ]
I'd like to hear stories.
[ Scooting up the bed, she puts the book properly in its place on her nightstand, then shifts to the edge of one side, leaving room for him to stretch out if he wants to. Her bed isn't exactly giant Scotsman sized. ]
[ Jamie is surprised, and touched, that she wants him close; maybe he shouldn't be so surprised, considering she wanted both he and Claire to hold her in Nadril. Carefully, he lays beside her, on his side with his head propped on his elbow. ]
Perhaps I should start, wi' how yer grandparents met.
[ He smiles deciding that yes, that's a good place, and he begins to tell the story of Ellen and Brian Fraser, how his mother defied her uncles, how his father defied his own and built Lallybroch for his family. He tells her everything good of his childhood, of Jenny, of his parents and their love for one another. Jamie keeps his voice low but it's still rich and full of life and passion for the story he's telling his daughter, every now and again, reaching out to stroke her hair. It's exactly as his mother's was, and it makes him emotional to see that his child looks so much like her. ]
[ Bree listens with rapt attention until she begins to get tired. When that happens, she moves closer to Jamie, letting him wrap his arms around her. She doesn't realize when she drifts to sleep, but soon she's completely out, breathing deep and evenly.
[ When he feels her start to go boneless, Jamie gather her to his chest, fingers stroking the back of her head as he switches to Gaelic. He tells her even more, of how he felt the first time he ever saw Claire, how nervous he was to be a good enough husband to her. How easily the love came for him.
He has no idea how long he lays there with her, going quiet, kissing her forehead every now and then, listening to her breathe. ]
[When Jamie quite late in coming to bed once Claire finished cleaning up, she begins to worry. She gives it a bit. Sets out his clothes for the morning. Sets out her clothes. Pulls down the bedding so he can slip in easily. Fluffs the pillows. But then it's too much, and the concern to great, and so she quietly pads over to Bree's room to make sure they're both all right.
Apparently, they're more than all right. The sight takes her breath away, seeing him hold her, soothing her with his voice.
She lingers at the doorway for a bit, wondering how the hell she's so lucky to have them both, before daring to break the magic by stepping into the room.
But instead of squeezing in behind Bree, she chooses to fit herself against Jamie's other side without a word. There. Now he can hold them both.]
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Och, well, I'll always want to be sure yer alright, Brianna. I cannae help it. But...you'll tell me if it's overmuch? I ken I'm no' so good at this yet. Being a father.
[ He can admit it, and smiles just a little. ]
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[ She sits up more now to shift and sit right beside him. ]
You're here, taking care of me, and you love me. I'm almost positive that's the first part of being a good father.
[ Brianna smiles softly at him, wondering if he's wishing there were more for him to actually do for her. ]
I'm sorry you weren't able to be my father before. That you had to let me and mama go.
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If I could have raised ye myself, Brianna, I would have. There's nothing I truly wanted so much as to raise ye at Lallybroch, give ye brothers and sisters. But I kent it, the day I realized ye were in your mother's belly, it wouldna be possible.
[ Maybe the realization had come a bit later, like when he and Claire were plunging a dagger into Dougal's heart. But still. ]
I'm glad she went. She most likely would have been killed only for being my wife, and you along wi' her.
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I know. I always wondered if when I met you, I would wonder how you could make such a choice. But now I have met you, and I understand. Sometimes you have to let go. Hope that people will come back to you.
[ Her hand is still in Jamie's and she squeezes lightly before taking a deep breath and letting it out softly. ]
I'm sorry, by the way. That I keep waking up the house at night. Every night I hope it'll be different, and it never is.
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[ And if anyone says anything to make her feel badly about herself (he knows Fergus, John, and Claire won't) they can speak to him directly about it. ]
I promise, though. It will stop, in time.
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How long did it take you? To stop having nightmares? Or to not wake up terrified?
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Months. Almost the entire time yer mother was pregnant wi' Faith.
[ He regrets it, that he was so disconnected that he missed the first flutters of life in her belly because he was so wrapped in his own demons, trapped in his mind. He should have felt those moments of small movements inside of Claire; the only place life would ever exist for their first born. ]
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Faith.
A name she's never heard before. ]
I...have a sister? I have an older sister?
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She never drew a first breath, ye ken. Grew, nearly fully, but didna ever open her eyes when she was born.
[ Words spoken quietly. ]
And yer mother, she nearly...nearly joined her.
[ If Jamie, sitting in the Bastille, had lost both his wife and child, they could have kept him there and never set him free. It wouldn't have mattered. ]
We dinna speak of her much. It's too painful, the hurt was too big. If there's one thing that ever broke yer mother, both of us, it was losing our child. Please, Brianna, you must understand. It was no' a lie she tried to keep from ye, but her own pain.
[ He knows his wife. Knows to speak of it would mean to relive everything that happened in Paris. Their marriage had nearly come apart at the seams. He hangs his head, for the quiet confession. ]
It was while we were living in Paris, ye ken. I wasna there. I wasna there because I tried to kill Jack Randall in a duel after I vowed to your mother I wouldna do it. She lost the baby and verra nearly her own life that day, and I was in prison. No' there for her. I blamed myself. She blamed me. We blamed each other, until we were able to heal together, back in Scotland.
[ Jamie looks at Brianna again, eyes a bit red, though no tears have fallen. ]
Please, lass. Dinna be angry with yer mam for no' telling ye.
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A lot of things make sense now; the way her mother always fussed over her.
The way her father told her the first words he heard her speak after delivery were in question over whether or not Bree was alive. How he said she used to count fingers and toes, and make sure every part of her was still perfect after every bath. She has a very, very vague memory of her mother sitting by her bedside when she was sick with something, never leaving even though it was probably only a cold.
Was that why? Was she always afraid she might lose another daughter? ]
I'm not upset for her.
[ Bree's surprised to find tears clouding her vision and blinks slightly, pushing them back. ]
I'm sorry you both had to go through that. I understand. Why she never said anything.
[ Wetting her lips, she wonders if she should let this go, not keep asking questions of Jamie after all of that, but she can't help it. ]
Did it help? To try and kill Jack Randall?
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[ Killing Randall would never be worth what he lost that day. ]
I did kill him, eventually, at Culloden. I cannae say it felt good or bad, but it was satisfying. To ken it was from my hand.
[ Jamie looks at Brianna then, reaching out to lightly touch her face. ]
But it doesna take away what happened. Nothing ever will. But time, m'annsachd, will heal ye.
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[ She looks up at him, asking the question. ]
What you just said, and what you called me before.
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M’ annsachd means 'my blessing.'
[ Because she is, because she's here, because she's with him. ]
And a leannan means...well. It means 'my darlin'.'
[ He raises his eyebrow slightly. ]
Do ye mind, overmuch if I call ye those things?
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No. I like it. I like that I can call you da. And I'm glad that you're awake. It isn't just me who needs you, you know. Mama and Fergus need you, too. Fergus takes care of both of us, but Mama's different. Her...
[ Bree pauses to try and explain it better. ]
She does well without you, but with you, it's more obvious. She's a whole person now that you're awake.
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The time we were apart, it was as if the other half of my heart was missing, so I think I ken what ye mean. We're whole together, never comfortable apart.
[ Jamie kisses her head again, then revises his statement a bit. ]
We were happy, but our house wasna as full without ye there. She missed ye. Verra much, Brianna. Now we're here together so it doesna matter much, but her heart ached for ye, every day.
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[ She really can't imagine it, she doesn't want to. ]
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[ He'll fight whatever Natha he has to, to make it happen. ]
And ye won't be alone. No' through any of it.
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Her father will always be her father. Jamie will always be her da. And it's alright because Jamie's alright. ]
Thank you. For being here now. For taking care of me.
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Ye dinna have to thank me for loving you, a leannan. I always will. I always have. Now. Are ye ready to hear stories of your family? Perhaps it will soothe ye into a peaceful night of sleep.
[ He hopes, he hopes he's soothing to her, but he would understand if she would rather not. ]
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I'd like to hear stories.
[ Scooting up the bed, she puts the book properly in its place on her nightstand, then shifts to the edge of one side, leaving room for him to stretch out if he wants to. Her bed isn't exactly giant Scotsman sized. ]
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Perhaps I should start, wi' how yer grandparents met.
[ He smiles deciding that yes, that's a good place, and he begins to tell the story of Ellen and Brian Fraser, how his mother defied her uncles, how his father defied his own and built Lallybroch for his family. He tells her everything good of his childhood, of Jenny, of his parents and their love for one another. Jamie keeps his voice low but it's still rich and full of life and passion for the story he's telling his daughter, every now and again, reaching out to stroke her hair. It's exactly as his mother's was, and it makes him emotional to see that his child looks so much like her. ]
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And she smiles in her sleep. ]
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He has no idea how long he lays there with her, going quiet, kissing her forehead every now and then, listening to her breathe. ]
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Apparently, they're more than all right. The sight takes her breath away, seeing him hold her, soothing her with his voice.
She lingers at the doorway for a bit, wondering how the hell she's so lucky to have them both, before daring to break the magic by stepping into the room.
But instead of squeezing in behind Bree, she chooses to fit herself against Jamie's other side without a word. There. Now he can hold them both.]
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She's calling me 'da,' Claire.
[ The pride in his voice is immense. ]
She wanted to hear stories of family, I sent her to sleep that way. Hopefully in peace.
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