givingback | open post

[She hopes Jamie will be proud of her. Proud of her as a mother--she'd tried to raise Bree in a way he'd approve, even if he wasn't there to see it. Sometimes that clashed with Frank, but rarely. The important thing was that Brianna grow up safe and loved, and she most certainly was. At the very least, she can say she did that.]

Frank is still your father. Jamie--meeting Jamie, and sharing your life with him won't take that away. [Does she miss Frank? Sometimes. She misses that they never found a way to be truly happy, and she does regret how difficult the marriage must have been for him. All those years, not being able to be with the person you loved. They were both suffering.

But she knows he'd say it was worth it to raise Bree. They would always agree on that.]

And you can talk about him to Jamie. He'll want to know that he made the right choice in sending us back.

[ That gives Bree pause, thinking about that as she looks away from Claire and at some random object in the room. She looks, unquestionably, like Jamie when she does, deep in thought as she turns over her mother's words in her head. ]

I don't want to hurt him. He's lost so much already.

[ Now, she looks back at Claire. ]

He wanted to be my father but did what he had to, to keep us safe. He'll see that I turned out okay. I think. Maybe that's enough.

[ It isn't that she doesn't want to celebrate Frank, he was her father through and through. Teaching her how to ride a bicycle, birthday hugs and kisses, cuddling in his lap while he read to her and teaching her to drive. All of those things were with the only father she ever knew, and he was amazing at it. But she's self-aware enough now, now that all of this is real and she's traveled back in time, to know she doesn't want to rub those memories in the face of the man who lost everything. ]

It might hurt no matter what. I know Jamie. [Or at least she did.] He'll wonder.

[That stubborn piece of loose hair. Claire reaches up to tuck it behind Bree's ear again, studying her face. She truly does look like her father, and her grandmother. Even without saying a word of who she is, perhaps Jamie will know.]

He's going to be so happy to see you, Bree.

[More than she can comprehend. Having children was so important to him--maybe he has more, now, but she doubts any carry the significance that this one does.]

That's all that he'll care about, you know. That you're happy and healthy.

[ Bree smiles, letting Claire fix her hair yet again. In a world without hair products, things might become as unruly as her mother's hair. She'll need all the help she can get, honestly. ]

I think you should see him first. Alone.

[ She stands and goes to the window, looking out for a minute as she lets her words sink in before turning back to Claire. ]

I wanted to come because I couldn't stand the idea of losing you, too, maybe forever. But you deserve to see him on your own.

[ And do whatever things they need to that she will firmly not think about. ]

Then, maybe you can both come here and I can meet him with you, maybe we can surprise him somehow. But I really think it's you he should see first. Not me.

[She has a point. It's going to be... a lot, for all of them, and she's not so sure she wants to send Jamie to an early grave. Claire sighs, but nods.]

If you're sure. But I don't know if you should jump out and yell surprise.

Well, there goes my idea.

[ Bree smiles again, wryly this time, and that - that is all Claire. ]

I'm sure. And you said it yourself, he'll want to know all about me. I bet it's one of the first things he asks once he gets over you actually standing in front of him again. You missed him for twenty years and I don't know him yet. It should just be you tomorrow morning.

[ Looking at herself once more in the mirror, she realizes there's a reason movies set in older centuries always had someone there to help characters get out of these clothes. ]

How do I change for bed if I can't do it on my own?

[ Yet, anyway. She'll get used to it. Probably. ]

[Smiling, Claire stands to move beside Bree, turning her by the shoulders.]

I don't know when it was you became such a thoughtful young woman.

[Jamie will be so proud. It's all she can think about, even more than bow he'll react to seeing her. Claire tugs at some of the lanes on the front of Bree's stay.]

You'll figure it out. Sometimes, if it's cold, you'll just sleep on all of this. But hopefully we'll have a roof over our heads most nights, so you can sleep in your shift. I'll free you this time.

[ She was going to comment on that first thing, but then Claire says something about sleeping outside, and Bree turns her head to look over her shoulder at her mother. ]

Outside? Why would we have to sleep outside?

[ And she honestly can't imagine sleeping in any of this. Maybe the underthings, but she never factored in what sleeping conditions would be like in the 18th century. ]

[Claire hardly pauses in her unlacing. She just smiles, mostly to herself, and carries on.]

Not every destination has a hotel on the way like Boston. Truth be told, I couldn't tell you where we're staying--it could be here, it could be Lallybroch, or it could be somewhere else. It all depends on Jamie.

[If he has a wife and children, well, he certainly wouldn't be bringing Brianna and Claire home. The last of the laces undone, she'll let it rest on Bree as she begins on the skirts.]

It's not that bad. But it's also why I made my clothing out of raincoats.

Did you always live a life that was so uncertain when you were here?

[ Now Bree will too, she supposes, and she goes quiet, just thinking about all of this. She came because if something went wrong she didn't want her mother to be alone. She came because she was curious about her father. She came because selfishly she couldn't let go of her mom even when she wanted her to be happy.

But now she's very quiet as she thinks about exactly how much is going to change for her, too. ]

[The skirt (and bum roll) are a quicker job than the stay, and Claire keeps a hand on them so they don't fall to the floor. She wasn't that much older than Bree when she first found herself in this time, terrified. Some of that fear took a long time to go away.]

It was a different time, then. Jamie had a price on his head [which he probably still does], and there was a war brewing on the horizon. [So, more or less, save for those times they were able to settle at Lallybroch. After Paris and before Culloden--they were both on the mend, but it truly felt like home, then.]

You'll be fine. Just try not to get yourself accused of witchcraft.

That was a very specific request, mama.

[ She frowns and when everything is done and she's in her shift, she turns to look at her. ]

You haven't told me about things that happened to you here other than meeting Jamie.

[ She knows things like there was a trip to France, but all of the details? The things that happened are a total mystery. ]

Well, I did mention the witch trial. [Just maybe not all the fine details. A lot of it, she doesn't know if Bree's ready to hear, especially when she just made a choice to be in this time. She doesn't want to frighten her when she can tell it's beginning to dawn on her just how different the times are.]

It's... a lot. The last person I told was Frank. [And he had listened, taken it as well as he could, and then they never spoke of it again.] And some of it is Jamie's to tell, if he chooses.

[Like Wentworth. Claire glossed over that time if ever she had to mention it.]

If you have more questions, I'll answer them. [Which is a novel thing. She's never been able to be completely open with Bree. Perhaps another reason to never leave her: they've only just found this place.] It's a little early to turn in.

[ lol when you don't remember canon because you were crying through it ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ ]

I want to hear the good parts.

[ She's very aware that things weren't always good or even just fine, but she also knows her mother was very in love and considered herself very happy with Jamie. So much so that for this long, she's ached for someone she thought she couldn't have. Sitting cross-legged on the bed, she undoes her hair and lets it fall down her shoulders. It's already starting to curl a bit at the ends. ]

Tell me about meeting Jamie. Will you?

[Mama just skipped the whole lashing bit, it's fine.

Laughing a little, Claire pulls her own legs onto the bed, having shed her raincoat-dress earlier.]

That one isn't very exciting. He'd dislocated his shoulder, and his clansmen were going to snap his arm in half in their efforts to slip it back into the socket. I stepped in [because of course she did] and did it for him.

[Thinking back, he'd had his eyes on her the whole while. At the time she thought it because of her clothing or the pain, but it had been the beginning of a relationship to span centuries. It was love.]

... and then he got shot. I handled that for him, too.

[She's doing her best not to look too amused. Oh, she wasn't at the time, but both Jamie and Claire saw the humor in their meeting and her constantly fixing his injuries.]

And then you just fell in love? When did you know?

[ Bree's still young, she's never been in love and this is so extraordinary that she's curious about how everything happened and when. What makes someone fall through time and fall in love with a random guy with a dislocated shoulder? She also wants to see Jamie more through her mother's eyes. There have been glimpses, but no stories like this. ]

Sounds like it's a really good thing you're a surgeon now. It seems like he'll need it.

[ She's kind of teasing but also a shoulder wound and a gunshot all in the same meeting? What are the chances? ]

[Claire looks a little bashful, glancing down at the ring on her hand.]

It wasn't that quick. I didn't love him until after we were married. I couldn't tell you when exactly it happened. [But she has a vivid memory of sitting in the dark with Geillis. She had asked her then if she loved him, and Claire didn't answer. She did. She did love Jamie, and she felt awful for it because of Frank. It wasn't fair to any of them.]

He said he loved me the moment he saw me. I don't know how true that is, but I do know he felt more strongly for me at first. Of course, he didn't have all the complications I did. It was easier, for Jamie. But... he's a loving man, in general.

[That couldn't have changed. But she does hope some things have changed over the past two decades.]

I'd hope I won't be sewing him back together. He's no longer a young man.

[She's done more complex surgeries over the years, but that surgery on his hand will forever be the toughest she's done, simply because it was on the man she loved more than anything. Maybe those scars have faded, or maybe they've been replaced by others. But that's a story for Jamie to share with Bree, not Claire.]

[ Hearing her talk about all of this is fascinating, and Bree's chin is in her hands as she listens. ]

It was probably lust.

[ She says that like she knows; she's only heard things about how men think, but she's already wary of them in general. ]

What do you hope now, most of all?

[ That's probably a loaded question, but. ]

[Claire will do Jamie a favor by not confirming nor denying Bree's suspicion. Even though Claire agrees.

It's Bree's question that has her eyes opening a little wider in surprise. Oh, most certainly a loaded question. She wets her lips and gives it some consideration--as if she hasn't been hoping the whole time.]

I hope that... he--[She frowns.]

That he's happy.

[With the life he's had, with them returning. She knows it'll change everything for him, settled with a new family or not, but she just hopes he won't hate her for it.]

[ With that answer, Bree uncurls herself and moves so that she can wrap her arms around Claire, closing her eyes as she rests her head on her shoulder. It's not an answer that needs explanation; she's thought of all the thing that could be when they meet again. Even if he never stopped being in love with Claire, he could have found a way to be happy with another woman, he could have an entire family. Everything's a complete unknown.

Another reason Bree couldn't let her come alone. ]

No matter what happens, you have me.

I do.

[Her sweet girl. It's easy to wrap her arms around her and press a kiss to her head, rubbing her back. She did always have Bree. Even if she wasn't always there, even if they butted heads, Brianna was always the best thing to happen to her.]

And what do you hope, hmm? Fair's fair.

[ Well that's not fair but FINE. She's still quiet as she thinks about her answer, concentrating on the way it feels when Claire rubs her back. It reminds her of sick days and snow days and all the random lazy Sundays in between. And that's where she finds her answer. ]

I hope I can see you really, really happy.

[ She's seen her mom happy, with stories and achievements and happy celebrations. But what would it be like to see her happy in a way that only one person could ever do for her? That's what she hopes for, that happiness. To catch even a glimpse of it.

She also hopes everything they've fixed between them stays intact and is built upon, but that one she keeps to herself. ]

[Claire smiles, pulling back but keeping a hold on Bree. One hand moves to cup her chin.]

I hope you're not implying that you haven't seen me really, really happy. [Not with Frank, no, but Brianna's brought her so much joy. Truthfully, Claire's a little worried about Brianna seeing just how different she is around Jamie than she was with Frank, but they'll cross that road when they get there.]

Though... I don't know how I'm going to be able to handle the sight of both of you, together. [Her smile doesn't dim, but her eyes do become a little glassy. Her two loves.] I never thought it'd be possible. He always wanted children. A lot of them. Twelve.

[One for each spoon. The memory is bittersweet. They had Faith. They had Fergus. And then Brianna. Perhaps he had more children and got his wish. They'll have to see.]

I know I've made you happy, I promise.

[ That's definitely not what she meant, and she has to reassure her, right away. ]

I suppose I just mean...a certain kind of happiness.

[ Something about that is so heartbreaking though, knowing that what they wanted and what they received were two very different things. ]

You deserve more than you got. I don't know if I would have believed that before I saw what happened at the stones; before I believed you. But I do now.

[Claire can't help but press a kiss to Bree's cheek.]

I wouldn't change anything. [Mostly true. Raising Bree in this time would have been difficult, especially after Culloden. Especially being the wife of Red Jamie. Brianna got an education and a life she could have never had here, and freedoms not granted to young women yet. Things she's now given up.

But perhaps Claire would have changed things with Frank. Found a way for him be in Brianna's life and also have his own without being trapped in a marriage.]

We had a good life in Boston, you and I. To Jamie, that meant everything. You meant everything.

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